Some of you may know that, at the moment, I am furious. Boiling with rage. So angry in fact I could quite happily crush the world to dust in my fist and cry with laughter at the same time.
This is not about me. When I feel that the human race is simply a collection of useless, meat filled puss bags, I turn to The Kraken. Her roar dilutes my rage with substance and clarity. Her words seem to centre me.
I am The Kraken (rarrgh!) and I’m forming a black hole of fury so you don’t have to on www.thekrakenwakes.org. Blame wanky drivers, twatty children, fat-handed shoppers, sexist spaff-baskets, cockwombling celebs and anyone else that forces me to wave my fist in the street. No longer capable of seething silently, I’m loudly venting my rage and angst but with more laughs than green ink and more nous than an entire Tory conference. In fact, I am the new voice of reason. Come, put your head on my shoulder and tell me what makes you mad…
Why are you so angry?
Angry? Moi? Well, if you insist… It’s because I’m continuously staggered at how ignorant, insensitive, thoughtless, unaware and just plain pig-thick so many people can be. Contrary to my image as an enraged blogger, I’m very loyal and put an enormous amount of thought into other people’s feelings so when I don’t get the same consideration in return I ever so slightly lose my marbles. I’m also a supreme optimist and believe that there is good in everyone (I know, I know, you’d never guess) so when I see the bad side of others I feel let down to the point that I actually have to blog about it. This probably makes me highly needy, pernickety and demanding of towering standards but I like myself that way. In fact my rage makes me happy and my blogging is like online therapy. Once I’ve raged I feel so much better that it has actually become addictive.
How do you process negative feedback on your writing?
Now that depends on the feedback. I adore debate so if someone wants to challenge me I’m like a pig in shit. I started my career with the intention of becoming a barrister, before moving in to journalism, so debate is one of the best parts of blogging. In fact it motivates me to keep writing because I only ever write what I believe in and I adore having a voice. However, if I get negative feedback because someone hasn’t read my blog properly or misunderstood me I actually become distressed with frustration and won’t stop raving until I’ve had the last word. For example, recently someone accused me of only trying to be controversial rather than honest which sent me through the roof. I’m not trying to be controversial. I’m simply trying to express myself. If you think that’s controversial, that’s your opinion not mine.
Is there anything in life that softens you?
Kraken Junior. Seriously, if you saw me blowing raspberries on her belly at bedtime and smothering her in kisses you’d think I’d had the Kraken side of me lobotomised. She can melt me like no-one else as can Conjugal Kraken, bless his tormented heart. I’ve also been known to cry at adverts and school plays and the film Meet Me in St Louis makes me sob so loudly that I become incoherent. Me bawling into a cushion and gasping for air has actually become a Christmas ritual.
And, oddly, Kraken Junior and Conjugal Kraken are also why I am so angry. I adore them both so utterly that if anyone crosses them I become enraged to the point of insanity. I’m not so much a mother as a starving tiger determined to rip the flesh off anyone who does her cub wrong.
Do you worry about the future that your children will be living in?
Fuck yes. I worry continually that Kraken Junior will be let down by the world around her. That sounds very bleak but she is such a hopeful and happy child that when someone disappoints her she feels it keenly and I want to do whatever I can to stop that from happening. My biggest fear, as the mother of a little girl, is the amount of sexism that she is forced to endure. I thought it had died out until she was born and I realised that it’s actually become worse. The pink, princesses, sexualisation…and I despise that while I fought against this all of my life she will have to fight it all over again. I become almost deranged at the fact that her gender could one day be used against her. Woe betide anyone who does that to her. They will have The Kraken to deal with.
Describe yourself in five words
Pissed, astounded, hopeful, broken, hungry.
The Kraken lurks in your very subconscious. It hides beneath your skin. You will find it’s scripture here. You can, on a stormy, chaos strewn evening watch it’s scaly head break the surface of the ocean here.
Do say hello. She is just lovely.